Finally we move from Friendship and
Love and Romance to Marriage,
the quintessential long term relationship. The biggest difference
between 'Friendship' and 'Love and Romance', and 'Marriage' is that,
where the earlier are very much a here-and-now type of an affair, and
one that you can quite easily walk away from should thing not work out,
Marriage is a more serious engagement, in fact, in many parts of the
world it is permanent, which is incidentally also my personal view of
it. And even if you live in a part of the world where divorce is legal,
it is not an easy process to go through, especially if there are
children. Even if there are no dependants, there is still a substantial
financial issue in many cases.
Once again, my personal research shows that a compatibility in the
emotional biorhythm is most frequently found in those really good
marriages. Of course, the best types of relationships are always for
people who have full compatibility of all the biorhythms, but that is
hardly realistic for most couples. More likely there are different
levels of compatibility, and it's the proportions of each that will
determine how well the couple gets along. In my experience, the
physical biorhythm becomes less important first. Those
marriages that are based purely on a match in the physical cycle are the
least likely to survive for long. If they do, it is based on
stubbornness more that love, and both sides are likely to be miserable.
I know some couples that are only intellectually matched. It's not an
ideal situation, but it's possible to make it work. The important thing
to make such a relationship last is to have a 'fun crowd' that one
spends time with to get one's 'fun quota' filled. And when the partners
are emotionally mismatched, their 'fun crowds' will also be emotionally
mismatched, so I would suggest that trying to find one 'fun crowd' that
works for both partners is probably not going to work out, unless the
group is large enough to allow for a large variety of biorhythmic
cycles to find matches. One thing that happens quite often is that one
partner will try to integrate their spouse into their 'fun crowd', and
it just doesn't work. Phrases like "I don't like your friends" will
quickly emerge. Don't push it. You are either compatible, or you are
not. Short of changing the day you are born on, there is nothing that
can be done. On the other hand, if a 'fun crowd' fits for both
partners, changes are that the partner's emotional cycle is matched,
and then is matched with the group.
As you can see, a successful and lasting marriage can be pre-planned
ahead of time. Now, that is not to say that incompatible people can't
make things last, it will simply take a lot of time and patience on
both sides. Better to avoid it in the first place. Yet one thing that has
to be kept is that different people place different priorities
on the importance of physical, emotional, or intellectual components of
a relationship, and there are people who are very unemotional, or
un-intellectual. There are also marriages that are formed for different
reasons that perfect bliss. The age of partners has a lot to do with
this as well. One thing that I would caution on in this regard though,
is that preferences change over ones life, and what might seem
important today could become insignificant tomorrow. People change, but
they might not change in the same direction, or at the same pace.
So what if you are married to somebody and your find that you are not
compatible? There are three approaches to follow at this point: You can
make it work; you can get out; or you can be miserable until
circumstances change, or your life ends. Getting out, if possible,
seems to be the easy approach at first, and in some cases it is the only
workable alternative, but can become very complicated when you get into
details. Making it work will always involve figuring out what you are
compatible on, and focusing your energies there, while avoiding those
things that you are obviously mismatched on. So, figure out who and
what you are, who and what your partner is, and then go from there. If
your partner never wants to have fun when you do, find
your own fun crowd to fill your 'fun quota', as well as understand that
your partner might choose to do the same thing, with a different crowd.
Be kind, be patient, and be understanding. If you require something
intellectually stimulating once in a while, and you don't get it from
your partner, then talk to a friend who is matched in this regard. The
physical mismatch as related to sex might be a bit harder to solve if
this is a problem, do to morality issues, and I would strongly caution
any outside help, as it usually leads to more problems than it solves.
Fortunately this seems to lessen with age. But asides from this, there
are other components of physical fulfillment. There is the hiking and
biking thing, the sports, the physical activities. Again, if you are a
very physical individual but your partner is on a different cycle, they
might not be up to the challenge when you are, and you are not when
they are. So, again, find a different 'physical crowd' to hang out with
when you have the need to engage in exercise. Once you have reached
your physical quota, go home to your emotionally matched partner to
cuddle with, or your intellectually compatible partner to talk about
something interesting. So to sum it up, concentrate on where you have
things in common, and avoid each other where there are definite
mismatches. The quickest way to break up any but the most perfectly
matched relationship is to spend 7x24x365 together. And be patient with
each other. Alternatively, you can either terminate the relationship,
or be miserable until the end of your life.
Oh, and while we are on the topic of marriage, if I may be so bold to make another suggestion: Don't spend
$20,000 or even $50,000 on your wedding like some people do these days.
Most couple that fight, fight about money. Some brides think this is
the most important day of their marriage. It's not. The most important
day is every day that you have a conflict, and there will be many, and
you managed to work through it while preserving your marriage. And the
less have to fight over money in the first place, the more you will be
able to preserve your relationship, your love, your romance, your
marriage. Take the $X0,000 dollars and use it as a down-payment for a
house instead. Yes, I know, it's not romantic, but trust me, it goes a
lot further. Don't believe me? Check out my
mortgage calculator
to see what difference $20,000 will make to the total cost of your
mortgage. It's well worth it.
Disclaimer: This information is based on private research, and should not
be used in place of professional advice. The Author is not a trained counsellor, psychologist,
doctor, or any other type of researcher. You act on this advice at your own risk.
Copyright@2000-2004, Juergen Amft, All rights reserved
